I can’t believe it’s not torture!

Now that Michael Mukasey has been sworn in as the new Attorney General, the Senate decided to have him over for a chat about whether or not torture is legal. It should’ve been a very straightforward conversation. Is torture illegal? Yes. Is waterboarding torture? Yes. So, therefore, waterboarding is illegal. Very good. Moving on. Has the US subjected detainees to waterboarding? Yes. So, we oughta start an investigation on whoever was behind allowing these illegal practices to take place, right? Not so much.

Just like Nixon said, “When the President does it, it is not illegal.” Well, here we are again. Same circular logic, just new faces. Leaving aside the fact that torture doesn’t produce reliable results from detainees (just look at John McCain – he signed a confession that he was an ‘air pirate’ while being tortured by the Viet Cong), torture… is… ILLEGAL.

Prisoners of War are protected by the Geneva Convention from being tortured by their captors. We prosecuted the Japanese as war criminals when they used waterboarding on captured American soldiers. Yet now, when Bush’s Administration does it, it’s all of a sudden legal.

Well, since it is technically legal according to the Attorney General, why doesn’t everyone get in on the fun? It’s legal, right? So what’s to keep ordinary American citizens from using it as a day-to-day pastime, or just a quicker way to get the answers they need?

It’s with this in mind that the staff at Weekly Review came up with a new product to offer the American people: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Torture!

Use it to find out if your spouse has been cheating on you, get your kids to behave, and finally get that promotion you deserve at work! After all, since it’s not illegal, who’s to say Average Joe can’t dabble in a little waterboarding now and then, eh?


4 Responses to “I can’t believe it’s not torture!”

  1. March 29, 2008 at 12:08 am

    Hmmm….. I don’t really expect this to be published on your site, but it is worth a mention in the realm of “putting things in perspective”
    Is water boarding lethal? Lets start there shall we. No it is not. Can you bleed to death from water boarding? No you can not. Has anybody held at Club Gitmo every died do to the suffering of water boarding? To my knowledge no there has not been one fatality.
    What then is my point?
    Simply this. If you were to compare all the “sins” that are listed in the bible or whatever you hold dearly, would you believe that say covetting was on par with murder?
    There are degrees that people do not want to talk about when matters of torture arise.
    Pulling out finger nails, as was done to US servicemen during Vietnam can not be compared to water boarding. Cutting off one’s genitelia as was done to the Iraqi’s by the beloved Saddam Hussien can not be compared to Water Boarding. Raping one’s wife or child can not be compared to Water Boarding. The removal of one’s head from their body can not be compared to Water Boarding. Electricution can not be compared to Water Boarding. The list can go on for however long you would like. But, Water Boarding in the list of “sins” is very minor if a sin at all.
    We do what we do in the most humane since we can do it. We do treasure life, which is more than can be said for those who we are attempting to eliminate our threats from.
    I would hope that the US did not ever engage in REAL torture, for if it did then the respect and the pride that I have in the is country would certainly be deminished…. No to answer the question- Water Boarding is NOT torture. But thank god it sure is effective.


  2. March 29, 2008 at 2:05 am

    DB – Torture is not humane. Any brand of it. Would I rather be waterboarded than, say, have my head cut off? Probably, yes. But since waterboarding is a form of torture, and therefore illegal, I as an American citizen should be able to look forward to not having to go through said waterboarding. Which brings us to my article in the first place.

    There is no relativism when talking about torture. Torture is torture. And in America, torture is illegal. In fact, as I stated in my article, which you obviously skimmed through, we prosecuted the Japanese for waterboarding our soldiers during WWII. If you make a person feel excruciating pain, no matter the form, in order to procure answers from them, then one of two things happen:

    1) they squeal like a pig and tell you whatever you want to hear, regardless of whether it’s true, or
    2) they go to the grave with their secret, no matter how forcefully you press them.

    So, if you call yourself an American, and approve of torture for the detainees we have at Guantanamo, consider whether or not you’d like to suspend the Geneva Convention for our men and women fighting overseas as we have for our detainees here. Try again.

  3. March 29, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    Suspend the Geneva Convention? Where oh where does the line start for that. I have been trumpeting this call since the start of all this mess in the Mid East. Inact the rules as set forth by the convention when engaged by a structured force, suspend them during a police action(which is what both Iraq and Afghanistan have become). I have no problem with that.
    The only people “playing by the rules” is the United States. Even the Iraqi Army is more brutal than we are when it comes to dealing with captured insurgents.
    Gitmo is in Cuba not the States. Just because we are holding prisoners there does not mean that they are US citizens and have rights afforded them as such. You as an American citizen unless you go to a military school such as SERE will never get the “enjoyment” of being Water Boarded, the US government is not in the practice of taking drug dealers and pimps into back rooms to give them the “treatment” so don’t worry Im pretty sure your safe.
    Try again? No need to, I do not consider it to be “torture” uncomfortable yes, torture? No. And so lay the problem, impass, we will have to part with an agreement to disagree on this topic. Thank you for the conversation (I did read the article:).

    DB Reese

  4. March 30, 2008 at 1:10 am

    Pheh. The US plays by the rules? Yeah. Bush’s set of rules, which change as frequently as the weather. Waterboarding, uncomfortable? Yeah. So is being smeared in feces, attacked by guard dogs, piled in a naked pyramid with your pals and being put in stress positions while music is played loud and long enough for you to shit yourself and pull out your own hair. All of these things were done in our name, continue to be done in our name, and you have the temerity to say we’re playing by the rules.

    Looks like someone needs to order the “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Torture!” Deluxe kit. Operators are standing by!

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