Archive for March, 2008


Remembering John Bolton

Now, don’t get ahead of yourself. We realize that the headline may look like an obituary, but no. John Bolton, as far as anyone can tell, is alive, and whatever demonic pact he’s made to keep that ticker going and that mustache growing is still firmly intact.

We bring up his name because there was a rerun the other day on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart featuring Bolton. Besides saying the exact opposite of what was demonstrable truth in regards to the UN, Iraq, and even Abraham Lincoln, we were reminded of this story which went rather underreported at the time of Bolton’s UN confirmation.

If you click on the link, you won’t see the usual John Bolton story – that he’s often an enraged, bitter man who throws things at subordinates, that he claims that the UN doesn’t exist, etc., no – what you’ll find is some juicy gossip regarding his first wife.

Y’see, back in the day, Bolton was quite a swinger (literally), and forced his wife to go to Plato’s Retreat, a swinger’s hot spot in New York City. Apparently, group sex wasn’t her thing, and she not only fled from him and got a speedy divorce while he was out of the country on business, she took all of their furniture with her. Dayum!

Now, there aren’t too many people we know that have been through a divorce, but the ones that we do know never had their shit stolen from them by their exes while they were out of the country. So, we’d have to put Ex-Mrs. Bolton’s evacuation somewhere on the “Holy-shit-I’m-going-to-stab-that-fucker-to-death-if-I-ever-see-him-again” side of the Panic Scale.

With that in mind, we’ve pieced together the events at Plato’s Retreat into this power ballad for our readers. Sung from Ex-Mrs. Bolton’s point of view, it explores love, betrayal, and group sex in a way that no other power ballad has ever dared to. Enjoy!


I can’t believe it’s not torture!

Now that Michael Mukasey has been sworn in as the new Attorney General, the Senate decided to have him over for a chat about whether or not torture is legal. It should’ve been a very straightforward conversation. Is torture illegal? Yes. Is waterboarding torture? Yes. So, therefore, waterboarding is illegal. Very good. Moving on. Has the US subjected detainees to waterboarding? Yes. So, we oughta start an investigation on whoever was behind allowing these illegal practices to take place, right? Not so much.

Just like Nixon said, “When the President does it, it is not illegal.” Well, here we are again. Same circular logic, just new faces. Leaving aside the fact that torture doesn’t produce reliable results from detainees (just look at John McCain – he signed a confession that he was an ‘air pirate’ while being tortured by the Viet Cong), torture… is… ILLEGAL.

Prisoners of War are protected by the Geneva Convention from being tortured by their captors. We prosecuted the Japanese as war criminals when they used waterboarding on captured American soldiers. Yet now, when Bush’s Administration does it, it’s all of a sudden legal.

Well, since it is technically legal according to the Attorney General, why doesn’t everyone get in on the fun? It’s legal, right? So what’s to keep ordinary American citizens from using it as a day-to-day pastime, or just a quicker way to get the answers they need?

It’s with this in mind that the staff at Weekly Review came up with a new product to offer the American people: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Torture!

Use it to find out if your spouse has been cheating on you, get your kids to behave, and finally get that promotion you deserve at work! After all, since it’s not illegal, who’s to say Average Joe can’t dabble in a little waterboarding now and then, eh?