Thinking of joining the military?

With the current administration slashing veteran’s benefits, extending Iraq vet’s tours of duty, deplorable conditions at Walter Reed Hospital, and no help from Uncle Sam in dealing with IEDs or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is it any wonder military recruitment has plummeted over the last couple of years?

No worries! The Bush gang has a solution: start recruiting high school dropouts, drug addicts and convicted felons! Because there’s no one more trustworthy hefting an M-16 than the guy who used to sell crack on the corner.

We at Weekly Review have come up with a snappy little Recruitment Song to help alleviate the burden military recruiters have been facing in ensnaring naive youngsters meeting their monthly recruitment quotas. Hopefully it’ll help those poor recruiters out.

After all, when you only have a multi-billion dollar budget, online recruiting tools video games and recruiters in every high school across America, it shouldn’t be too hard to sell the Iraq war to kids, right?

Well, as long as they’re not gay. Then, even if you’re an Arabic translator, you aren’t welcome in this nation’s military. Though you may be able to decipher terrorist’s plots before they’re carried out, you also like to sleep with men, and that’s, um… well, apparently that’s unacceptable.

So, those are the parameters, just so everyone knows. Drugs, no high school education and/or a couple of felony convictions are okay. Being a bottom: look for a different job.

Dear military: if you found my recruitment song helpful, please send my royalty checks to the Walter Reed Hospital staff. They could probably use it to upgrade their equipment, put a fresh coat of paint on the walls, maybe even get rid of the festering mold that seems to be interfering with the recuperating soldier’s health.

(Editor’s note: It is extremely difficult to write, record, edit, produce, mix, master and upload songs and political analysis while you’re waiting for a grocery delivery that’s over two hours late. I’m looking at YOU, ShopRite.)


2 Responses to “Thinking of joining the military?”

  1. 1 Sheree
    January 11, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    If you knew the length these recruiters go to – you would be amazed. My 18 year old son is Bipolar and has serious Asthma. He is also under court supervision. They came to my house to pick my son up to take him to take the test for the National Guard. Yeah, he called them. They have promised him the moon. CASH TO KILL. He is dreaming of a new car. I love my dear son, and we have a great relationship, but I am slowly losing ground with him, against this nightmare.

  2. January 11, 2008 at 8:23 pm

    Sheree –

    I feel for you. I have a ‘super patriotic’ friend who thought the Iraq invasion was a good idea. He signed up for the military in 2002, but wasn’t accepted on account of his health problems.

    Now, in 2007, all of a sudden the military is willing to accept him. We’ve had many a heated argument over why the army is recruiting people it normally wouldn’t, but he just doesn’t see it as a problem.

    All I can say is, education is the best medicine. The more your son knows about what he’s getting into, the better. And not a bait-and-switch story coming from some recruiter who’s painting incredible pictures about honor, valor, and glory on the battlefield. Talking to Iraq vets could certainly help.

    At any rate, I wish you the best of luck.

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