Archive for January, 2008

30
Jan
08

Note to Dems: WAKE UP!

Democratic party, it’s time we had a little chat.

A couple of years ago, when the streets of Baghdad were running with soldier’s blood and the city of New Orleans was flooded, you decided to focus on a very important subject: video games. Yeah – when there were (and still are) lives to be saved, you decided that Grand Theft Auto was a much more important subject to speak out about. Thanks, Hilary and Joe. Lord knows what we’d do without you.

Fast forward a couple of years – we’re still in Iraq with no end in sight, and people who got flooded out of their homes during Hurricane Katrina are squatting in shitty FEMA trailers that aren’t safe for humans. Oh, and the economy is crumbling.

For God’s sake – you took back the House and Senate in ’06 because Americans are tired of this war, tired of mismanagement of their government, and sick as shit of this current administration and it’s crony-run departments.

What have you done since you took back the majority? Let’s see – well, you backed down on almost every important piece of legislation, like Stem Cell Research, the S-CHIP program which provides healthcare to kids, and basically bent over and let the minority tell you what they would LET you pass without filibustering it.

Now, Weekly Review tries to be fair. Yes, the first 100 days of your new Congress produced a lot of results. And John Conyers is using that newly-acquired gavel and subponea power of his to have some much-needed oversight hearings. But you’re not even close to where you need to be, and the public is on your side. We don’t want this war to carry on, we want our kids to get health insurance, and we WANT the next President to be about 1,000 times smarter and more diplomatic than the current one (which shouldn’t be hard, since a bag of nails is technically already ahead of that curve).

So, for all you progressives out there who wish their civil servants would pick up the ball and run with it, we present this Democratic rallying song, sung by some angry hippies.

Of course, if you’re a progressive who doesn’t smoke pot, and is more into Metallica than the Grateful Dead, we’ve got a song for you, too!

We’re a big tent party here in Democratic-ville, so we try to please all who belong. Enjoy, you hippies and/or metalheads.

29
Jan
08

Karl Rove: A Tribute

Now that Karl Rove has stepped down from his lofty post to spend more time with his inner demons family, the staff at Weekly Review took the time to reflect on his days spent being known as “Bush’s Brain”.

Of course, that’s how he was known to Washington insiders, but to the Commander-in-Chief himself, Karl Rove was known as…. wait for it…. Turd Blossom.

Yeah, you read that correctly. The leader of the free world affectionately calls the man he trusts with his campaigns, policies and strategies “Turd Blossom”, which is what they call flowers in Texas when they grow in a pile of cow shit. No, we didn’t just make that up. Comedic geniuses way ahead of their time could not even come close to conceiving something like this.

Looking back on Turd’s (Karl? Mind if we shorten up your nickname a bit and just call you ‘Turd’ from now on? Thanks.) career, it’s easy to see why his rise to power was so quick: he played dirty. And that kind of no-holds-barred, win-at-all-costs douchebaggery always attracts someone that wouldn’t be able to win at all in a fair fight, so naturally Bush adopted him as his brain trust (after Bush’s father kicked him to the curb for using those same tactics).

After insinuating to voters that John McCain had an illegitimate child by a black woman, that Max Cleland (who lost most of his limbs in Vietnam) was a traitor to the U.S., and that John Kerry’s purple hearts were an object of derision, Turd decided to go after a new target: Valerie Plame.

As a quick aside: do you remember the first “Mission Impossible” with Tom Cruise and that part where he broke into a government building to steal something called the NOC list? Y’know – the part where he’s all hanging from wires and he can’t sweat on the pressurized floor and whatnot? Well, NOC means Non Official Cover, which basically means that agents on the NOC list are disavowed by their country if they ever get caught. So NOC agents in the CIA are like James Bond-ish super spies. Valerie Plame was on the NOC list in real life, which meant that her identity was probably kept in an ultra-secret vault similar to the one seen in the movie. Yeah. Rove outed her to the press just to be a dick. Oh, and also Plame’s husband told the administration that Saddam Hussein had no WMD’s. Go figure.

So, after outing an undercover CIA agent who was working on nuclear proliferation in Iraq, Rove was entrusted with helping the Republican party form a stronger majority in Congress during the midterm election season. Alas, he failed and the Democrats took back both chambers of Congress. You can read more about his failures here, as well as a good look into his new book deal – which has already been marked down before Rove has put pen to paper to write it.

To give folks an idea of what the book will say, I’ll just go ahead and quote my favorite line in the carpetbagger’s review of it:

“Bush was extraordinary; his critics were awful; and the media was unfair.” There, I just saved book buyers $29.95.

And there you have it. We at Weekly Review offer this tribute to Turd Blossom.

It’s a relatively short song; much like Turdie’s list of virtues and redeemable qualities. Enjoy!

25
Jan
08

Planet Earth to Larry Craig: You’re Gay!

For a scandal that has everything a media feeding frenzy needs, it looks like the latest Larry Craig fiasco is going to end with a whimper and a whine (probably not too different from the Senator’s sexual encounters).

Oh, poor Larry Craig, what are we going to do with you? You’ve paid male prostitutes for sex, passed around the same prostitute that was working under (and probably behind) Pastor Ted Haggard, even plead guilty to soliciting sex from a plainclothes officer in a Minnesota airport men’s room.

So, what’s the Senate to do with you? Answer: nothing. No, you get to live out the rest of your days working in the Senate as the closeted gay guy who trolls bathrooms for illicit sex. Congratulations! You get to hold on to your lofty little post in the Senate. We at Weekly Review just hope you’re able to at least make eye contact with your fellow Senators while you’re at work. We wouldn’t want your work experience to become weird, now that everyone knows about your dirty little secret.

A quick word of advice from Weekly Review to Mark Foley, Ted Haggard and Larry Craig:

YOU’RE GAY.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of; lots of people are gay! And they come out of the closet and lead fulfilling lives all the time! That’s the good news. The bad news is, when Republicans are gay, they stay in the closet and preach about how wrong it is to be gay, and then go drown their shame in a tranny’s ass. Seems like a miserable existence to us. At any rate, to help educate you and the rest of your closeted buddies on what to do about being gay, the staff at Weekly Review has come up with this parody of David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” to help you out.

But if you don’t have time to listen to the song, trust us: when you cheat on your wife and pay for another dude to fuck you, or (in the case of Mark Foley) hit on underage kids working at the White House, you’re gay. Oh, and also a pedophile.

On a closing note, since Ted and Mark decided rehab (Rehab? Like, for drinking? Are you serious???) was the answer, we at Weekly Review are anxiously waiting for when the next scandal hits so you can blame your backsliding (pardon the pun) on a shitty rehab center, instead of owning up to the fact that you’re gay and have been burying your normal, human urges in a faux marriage and illicit prostitute man-sex.

So please pay attention: Pastor Ted, Mark Foley, and Larry Craig: You’re Gay!

20
Jan
08

A Who’s-Who of The G.O.P. Jailhouse

With so many Republicans currently serving prison sentences, on their way to jail, just getting out of jail, getting their sentences commuted, sweating under pending investigations, or simply retiring when their term is up to ‘spend more time with their family’, I wouldn’t be surprised if we start seeing GOP wings in certain state correctional facilities.

Indeed, the list is staggering. You’ve got Ted “The Internet is a series of Tubes” Stevens currently under investigation , then you’ve got Jack Abramoff currently serving his sentence (and, given his connections, I’d be willing to bet that Bob Barr was the first of many to shortly be joining him), there’s Scooter Libby, fresh out of jail (served no time thanks to Dubya, but isn’t looking to appeal his guilty conviction), and now the latest and greatest:

A Republican lawmaker, appointed by Ronald Reagan to serve at the UN, has been charged with forty-some odd charges of working covertly for Al Qaeda.

The mind reels. All this from the party of “family values”, who cry bloody murder and call those with opposing viewpoints traitors, and slander the names of honest Americans by suggesting that all their talk is somehow aiding and abetting terrorists. Well, how about ACTUALLY aiding and abetting terrorists, eh? Like, with the hundreds of thousands of dollars Mark Siljander funneled through an Islamic relief fund that was actually a front group for Al Qaeda?

Aaaaaaanyway, it’s no laughing matter. There’s plenty of crooks disguising themselves as civil servants and there’s no telling how many elected officials are currently getting away with some kind of underhanded fuckery. Most likely, we’ll never know. Even if Jack Abramoff starts squaking like a parakeet once he gets tired of his 6×8 cell, it’s a fair bet the American people will never have the whole story.

Which is why we at Weekly Review have written this little ditty to help you folks keep track of who’s going to jail, who’s in jail, and who will soon be on their way in or out, depending on what kind of dirt they have on their higher-ups. Enjoy!

Editor’s note: at seven verses in length, this is a pretty long song. So long, in fact, that when compiling it into an internet-friendly format, the song nearly destroyed my computer. I just find it somewhat ironic that a song about Republican corruption is so long that it nearly caused my computer to burst into flames.

15
Jan
08

Join the airforce! (non-Christians need not apply)

Taking a look at our Air Force, it’s come to the attention of the staff at Weekly Review that there have been over 55 formal complaints in just over four years regarding religious proselytizing.

A recent Pentagon report on the US Air Force Academy found that there was no overt religious discrimination at the taxpayer-funded college, although “There was a lack of awareness on the part of some faculty and staff… as to what constitutes appropriate expressions of faith.”

Apparently, this ‘lack of awareness’ included a Jewish cadet being told by his superior officer that the holocaust was punishment for Jews because the Jews had killed Jesus, and an atheist student being forbidden to start a campus club for “Freethinkers”.

Now, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being completely and totally aware, and a 10 being a mix of Barney Fife and Gomer Pyle-esque awareness, we have to give the people behind this report a 12 for being so ridiculously callous, uninformed and un-Christian.

Un-Christian? Yeah. Un. Christian. Why? Well, from what we here at Weekly Review know about Jesus, while he was up on the cross, His last words certainly weren’t “Payback’s gonna a be a bitch, assholes.” It was something more like “Father, forgive them. For they know not what they do.” How that ties into the holocaust is beyond us.

Anyway, not to worry. The Air Force has a snappy new Theme Song that should lay all religious woes to rest. Frankly, we don’t see what the harm is in forcing our all-volunteer Army, Navy and Air Force to adhere to a narrow-minded liturgy and a xenophobic, intolerant interpretation of the Bible.

Enjoy!

11
Jan
08

Spreadable Freedom!

Liberty. Freedom. Democracy. Independence. Glory. Justice. And more Liberty and Freedom. These are the buzzwords you hear spouting out of the words of the mouths of politicians every time they’re on television. Catchy phrases like “Freedom’s on the march”, and we’re “Spreading Democracy” appear on television almost as much as the latest Erectile Dysfunction ad.

We, as American Liberators in Iraq, have done little about providing food, electricity, or security to the people of Iraq, but we sure did bring Freedom by the bombload!

So great is this Freedom that is supposed to somehow magically take root and spread throughout the Middle East like a plague flower, Weekly Review decided to package this Great Ideal and sell it!

Now, coming to a Liberated store near you, from the makers of “Liagra” and “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Torture!” comes: Spreadable Freedom!

It won’t feed you, protect you, or keep your lights on, but it’ll sure feel great to be free*.

*”Free” is defined as whatever law your American-sponsored puppet government deems to be free. Check local government notices for more information. If none are available, ask your local militia leader. If he’s been assassinated or blown up, YOU could be the next local militia leader. Congratulations!

11
Jan
08

Thinking of joining the military?

With the current administration slashing veteran’s benefits, extending Iraq vet’s tours of duty, deplorable conditions at Walter Reed Hospital, and no help from Uncle Sam in dealing with IEDs or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is it any wonder military recruitment has plummeted over the last couple of years?

No worries! The Bush gang has a solution: start recruiting high school dropouts, drug addicts and convicted felons! Because there’s no one more trustworthy hefting an M-16 than the guy who used to sell crack on the corner.

We at Weekly Review have come up with a snappy little Recruitment Song to help alleviate the burden military recruiters have been facing in ensnaring naive youngsters meeting their monthly recruitment quotas. Hopefully it’ll help those poor recruiters out.

After all, when you only have a multi-billion dollar budget, online recruiting tools video games and recruiters in every high school across America, it shouldn’t be too hard to sell the Iraq war to kids, right?

Well, as long as they’re not gay. Then, even if you’re an Arabic translator, you aren’t welcome in this nation’s military. Though you may be able to decipher terrorist’s plots before they’re carried out, you also like to sleep with men, and that’s, um… well, apparently that’s unacceptable.

So, those are the parameters, just so everyone knows. Drugs, no high school education and/or a couple of felony convictions are okay. Being a bottom: look for a different job.

Dear military: if you found my recruitment song helpful, please send my royalty checks to the Walter Reed Hospital staff. They could probably use it to upgrade their equipment, put a fresh coat of paint on the walls, maybe even get rid of the festering mold that seems to be interfering with the recuperating soldier’s health.

(Editor’s note: It is extremely difficult to write, record, edit, produce, mix, master and upload songs and political analysis while you’re waiting for a grocery delivery that’s over two hours late. I’m looking at YOU, ShopRite.)